PICTURE the scene: a gigantic image of Sir Keir Starmer’s face is beamed on to a digital billboard overlooking New York’s Times Square, one of the busiest places on the planet.
And not one person seems to clock who he is.
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Establishing himself as a heavyweight on the world stage was the PM’s mission at the United Nations General Assembly in the city this week.
We live in dangerous times and our new Labour premier wants to be front and centre of the global response.
“Britain is back” was his message.
But, as he soon learned in the Big Applelife isn’t always all yankee doodle when you reach the top of politics.
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In the hours before his portrait was projected on to the side of the Nasdaq building, the real Keir Starmer had taken yet another battering over the latest donor allegations.
Hostile briefings
The row over handouts of suitsglasses and frocks by his multi-millionaire pal Lord Alli — not to mention the loan of a luxury Covent Garden penthouse — has dogged him for weeks.
But “Freebiegate” snowballed so much at this week’s Labour Conference that — by the time he took off from Liverpool airport on Tuesday evening, with a plane full of journalists — he must have wondered if he’d be stopped by customs at JFK and asked if he had anything to declare.
And it’s not just the Lord Alli scandal that has smothered his early premiership.
Hostile briefings against his divisive chief of staff Sue Gray have sown dysfunction in Downing Street.
Axing winter fuel payments for pensioners has bred resentment among Labour members.
And all before a painful Budget next month.
Compounded by the jet-setting crammed in since the election, Sir Keir seemed absolutely knackered when we touched down in America.
It showed the next day when he rose early for a series of TV interviewsto face an onslaught of questions over the dodgy donations.
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Why does a multi-millionaire like yourself need someone to buy your clothes? Are you going to accept free concert tickets again?
What did Lord Alli get in return?
By the time he eventually sat down with Sky reporter Beth Rigby, his patience had clearly worn thin.
Defending staying in Lord Alli’s £18million penthouse — a donation worth £20,000 — he bristled: “If you’re putting to me, Beth, that I should have stayed at my home and disrupted my son’s GCSEsand that was the right thing to do, then I think you should put that to me.”
He waspishly added that Sky invites him to its well-catered annual party.
“Presumably you want politicians to come?”
It was a terse point he continued to make even after the interview had wrapped.
Labour MPs who used to call Rishi Sunak “tetchy” would be hard-pressed to not describe their own boss in that manner on a muggy midtown morning.
Sir Keir had come to New York to parade on the world stage, but domestic rows were looming over his trip like the Manhattan skyline.
It made his debut at the UN Security Council all the more important.
And, to his credit, he nailed it.
Seated just metres away from Russia’s delegate, the PM looked him in the eyes and wondered how he could dare show his face in this building.
It was strong and it was statesmanlike.
With the UN often criticised as a talking shopStarmer speaks its language and is comfortable in its high, cavernous walls.
Let’s not forget this former lawyer wrote an entire book on human rights lawand first swotted up on the UN Charter while still a student.
The PM’s robust performance meant that by the time he slipped into Patsy’s Pizzeria for a slice of Margherita, he was in high spirits.
His No10 staff let their hair down at a nearby karaoke bar — storms over donations, Sue Gray and winter fuel payments were battles for another day.
They also had something up their sleeve that would knock all that off the front pages: they had a Trump card.
Bagging a meeting with the former and, possibly, next President was a big coup for Team Starmer.
Over two hours’ dining in the Trump Tower apartment, the pair got to know each other.
What was said remains a mystery, and No10 is keeping tight-lipped.
We do know that Sir Keir brought along his Foreign Secretary, David Lammy — a move that could have backfired spectacularly, given all the names he has called Trump over the years. “A neo-Nazi-sympathising sociopath”, to pick just one.
Lancing the Lammy boil
But lancing the Lammy boil early on was smart, rather than letting the perception linger that he would be frozen out by a Trump White House.
No10 were cock-a-hoop at securing the Trump meeting. A senior source told me: “There were only a handful of leaders Trump met with during the week.
“He’s no longer president and doesn’t have to bother. This shows people believe Keir is going to be PM for a long time.”
The PM’s trip to New York has given a glimpse of his potential as an international player — if he can get a handle on the woes that are engulfing his premiership.
Insiders say Downing Street is lacking a political antenna, unable to see round corners and falling into bear traps.
An inbuilt defensiveness has also seen them fail to put a lid on things quickly.
Bust-ups at home may have buffeted Sir Keir’s time in the city that never sleeps.
The PM must now hope that he starts to put these distractions to bed.
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